I am from:
(written June 2006)

I was from too many dads, and too many moms, and siblings I didn't even know about;
from Bleach and Lysol and the Salvation Army.
Now I am from a brown mini van, Ivory Soap, Eddie Bauer, and the Whole Foods Market.

I was from the place where there are scary noises at night, where smells linger in carpeting too old to have color, and where people didn't stick around very long. Now I am from a 10 year marraige and a house we own and wooden floors I polish with joy.

I was from the exhaust of cars and then from the sand and the salt smell of a fishing town, and then from the smog and the thick air of the city and then from the annual smell of fertilizer in the fields and cowboy hats. Now I am from beech trees, flowering cherry blossom and magnolia trees, and PTA and farmers markets... and the mall.

I was from Santa Claus most years, the Easter Bunny a few times, and the tooth fairy occasionally.
I was from running away, from Manuel and Carol who were from Margie and Josephine.

Now I am from my uncle Jim's devotion, my husband's steady love, and my children's tender trust in me.

I am from staying up 'til midnight to sneak presents in stockings and fake footprints by the fireplace and dropped clues by the bed... from toothfairy handwriting and family dinners at the table with cloth napkins.

I was from the irritating mule-like stubborness and sarcastic painful teasing. Now I am from laughing at myself and saying I'm sorry and trying to be careful.
I was from "you are so stupid!" and "you are so selfish" and "you better hope I don't see you!"

I am now from "wash your hands before you eat" and "go to bed early" and "do your homework first" and "be the best kind of friend you can be" ...and from "I love you".

I was from going to church on holidays or if you were bad. I was from Ken Keyes, Scientology, Catholocism and Lutheran-ism. Now I am from being baptised with joy and renewal when I was 32 years old and from crying with joy when I sing in church and now I am from loving God and being loved by God and from my children running INTO church with joy and anticipation.

I'm from Mexico and Spain and Germany and France, from the ancient Indians in the plains and from Scotland too. I was from Jello Salad and meat that was fried and Wonderbread and margerine.

Now I am from grilled chicken and homemade mashed potatos, from millet and Thai food and Passover Dinners and pancakes with pure maple syrup and homemade lunches for my children...everyday.

I was from a young boy and a younger girl running away together, I was from 3 older siblings one of whom died, I was from alcoholism and anger. I was from divorce and despair and destruction.

But I am also from meeting my husband at work and falling in love right away and having a real wedding first and then a baby, from watching Little League and Karate and Soccer. I am from driving a brown mini van and keeping snacks in my purse and making love to my husband at night.

I am from all the photos my brother lost of our momma after she died, I am from reel to reel turned into VHS and from a sheaf of letters my momma wrote to my grandma when I was young... which grandma saved... and gave to me, so I can show them to my daughters so they will know where they came from. I am Dionne.

I Am
(written January 2007)

I am the baby born in California to an alcoholic and his tired thin wife, who was the cherished only girl and the spoiled baby sister whose big brothers protested when she was punished.

I am the child who played doctor in the back room, hide and seek without being found, and who caught ping pong balls with my face for my brothers; who loved dressing my kittens in baby clothes and sitting on my grandma’s soft lap and could read 4th grade books before kindergarden; who stored a tattered blue blankie in my treasure box until one too many moves later it was lost. I am the child who won't forget her blue blankie.

I am the child who dreamed of parents that didn’t fight and who never thought she would always feel at fault when they did.

I am the teenager who smoked and drank and listened to loud hard music; who wore tight jeans and high heeled boots and loved every guy who said he loved me back, and hated every guy who lied. The teenager who climbed out the bedroom window and then didn’t have anywhere to go..., who dreamed of just getting away and knew she would…someday.

I am the woman who married too young and tried too hard and had to quit, the woman who started all over again and got it right. The woman who loves my husband and my children and God.

I am the mother who loves unconditionally and goes crazy if I have to witness my children’s pain, and whose moments of perfect bliss come when I am sitting in church between the man I love and the children we raise.

I am the Doula and Educator who loves tender scrawny infants and their scared and weepy mothers, who avoids conflict and who tries so damn hard to do things right.

I am the woman who weeps with joy in church, who turns teary eyed at commercials and who sobs silently during sad movies.

I am the person who loves with her heart on her sleeve and is afraid of hugging people only because they might turn away.

I am the woman who still loves childrens literature and preschool music but never learned to like Peanut Butter and Fluff sandwiches, who still longs to learn to use her Big Girl Voice. I am the person who dreams of being better, and doing better, and is grateful for the Mercy and Grace of God, the woman who hopes for her children to have the strong solid belief that their mother loves them, all the time and in every way that they are.

I am Dionne.