Is it Authenticity or Narcissism?
I have been struggling a little bit lately with my goal of being authentic. I've so immensely enjoyed the freedom it brings, and the relief of confession, the joy of finding support, and the amazing things I've learned by putting it all out there instead of hiding it all away. I've also been amazed at how easy it is to overstep social boundaries and regurgitate more info than I should to more people than I should. Sigh.
But Satan strikes where he can and my initial rush of regurgitating all my "issues" has passed and I'm a tiny bit getting all internal. One problem with this is that it can be taken by some as secretive, or exclusive, or as plain old snobby. But I wonder, after someone expressed this to me, if people I don't know very well become intimidated by knowing all too much about some of my recent turmoil. Like, thinking to themselves, "whoa, that's the woman who blahblahblah!" I also have a faint fear that there is some judgement being passed. As in, "Dude, who really needs to know YOUR stuff? Just do something already and quit whining!"
I look back at my relationships with some people who I know are authentic and I think about how knowing some of their deeper insights has given me a better understanding of who they are and why they are a certain way... and it's easier to know how to respond to them. Others who are less authentic leave me feeling disconnected though. Those people are hard for me to converse with, hard to trust, easy to give up on.
Aside from the problems presented by being being inauthentic, is that by being authentic, when I am as 'out there' as possible, I am also throwing my family and friends out there too. I risk embarrassing, angering, or otherwise creating discordance among my family members. Maybe Hannie would be humiliated by something I'd written about her, maybe Noah would be embarrassed, maybe David would be hurt. I totally had never looked at that before. Never really thinking about MY authenticity affecting their privacy.
How much privacy is one supposed to hold onto? I know plenty of people who are very private. And I have equal amounts of respect for their ability to smile and nod, and to always maintain this sense of propriety, sense of 'o.k.-ness" and equal parts bewilderment (who is this persn really?) and hurt (wha? they can't tell me if something is troubling them?) And so I don't ever really feel close to them. I know others who blab and blab about things that embarrass ME - personal body stuff, intimacy with partners, etc. Things I wouldn't share, things I don't really even want to know despite my innate desire to know things. I guess it depends though, truly, on the purpose of sharing information. This is where those social boundaries become so tricky to navigate and it isn't until you've tripped over them a few times that it becomes clear.
If I don't know you WELL, but have simply chatted with you once or twice, it's a little innapropriate to discuss your intimate life with your husband, or your childs psychiatric disorder. If I DO know you, have been in a small group setting with you, worked on a church project with you, spent time alone with you outside of our church relationship, it would be so awkward to me to find out later on that you hadn't mentioned that you were in the middle of a divorce, or that you were thinking of leaving the church, or that your father died. I would be left wondering why you didn't tell me, why you didn't trust me, why you felt you didn't want to tell me. And then I would wonder what else you didn't tell me.
In a sense, blogging your secrets can be good because blogs are typically out there and are read by people who don't know you or where you live - and you can get great warm fuzzy emails and comments. On the other hand, if your pastor happens across your blog, or your kids principal, or your boss... you could have a small scary moment or two... if you didn't mean for that to happen.
But what if you did? What if you did mean for your kids teacher to find you and read about your financial crisis or your leap into faith - what if you meant it, because you didn't want to be just another face, just another adult, just another parent. What if you wanted a potential employee to see it because you simply didn't care if they knew those things. What is that? Is that narcissism? Tripping over social boundaries? Being weird? or is it just shoulder shrugging nonchalant authenticity?
I dunno. do you?
But Satan strikes where he can and my initial rush of regurgitating all my "issues" has passed and I'm a tiny bit getting all internal. One problem with this is that it can be taken by some as secretive, or exclusive, or as plain old snobby. But I wonder, after someone expressed this to me, if people I don't know very well become intimidated by knowing all too much about some of my recent turmoil. Like, thinking to themselves, "whoa, that's the woman who blahblahblah!" I also have a faint fear that there is some judgement being passed. As in, "Dude, who really needs to know YOUR stuff? Just do something already and quit whining!"
I look back at my relationships with some people who I know are authentic and I think about how knowing some of their deeper insights has given me a better understanding of who they are and why they are a certain way... and it's easier to know how to respond to them. Others who are less authentic leave me feeling disconnected though. Those people are hard for me to converse with, hard to trust, easy to give up on.
Aside from the problems presented by being being inauthentic, is that by being authentic, when I am as 'out there' as possible, I am also throwing my family and friends out there too. I risk embarrassing, angering, or otherwise creating discordance among my family members. Maybe Hannie would be humiliated by something I'd written about her, maybe Noah would be embarrassed, maybe David would be hurt. I totally had never looked at that before. Never really thinking about MY authenticity affecting their privacy.
How much privacy is one supposed to hold onto? I know plenty of people who are very private. And I have equal amounts of respect for their ability to smile and nod, and to always maintain this sense of propriety, sense of 'o.k.-ness" and equal parts bewilderment (who is this persn really?) and hurt (wha? they can't tell me if something is troubling them?) And so I don't ever really feel close to them. I know others who blab and blab about things that embarrass ME - personal body stuff, intimacy with partners, etc. Things I wouldn't share, things I don't really even want to know despite my innate desire to know things. I guess it depends though, truly, on the purpose of sharing information. This is where those social boundaries become so tricky to navigate and it isn't until you've tripped over them a few times that it becomes clear.
If I don't know you WELL, but have simply chatted with you once or twice, it's a little innapropriate to discuss your intimate life with your husband, or your childs psychiatric disorder. If I DO know you, have been in a small group setting with you, worked on a church project with you, spent time alone with you outside of our church relationship, it would be so awkward to me to find out later on that you hadn't mentioned that you were in the middle of a divorce, or that you were thinking of leaving the church, or that your father died. I would be left wondering why you didn't tell me, why you didn't trust me, why you felt you didn't want to tell me. And then I would wonder what else you didn't tell me.
In a sense, blogging your secrets can be good because blogs are typically out there and are read by people who don't know you or where you live - and you can get great warm fuzzy emails and comments. On the other hand, if your pastor happens across your blog, or your kids principal, or your boss... you could have a small scary moment or two... if you didn't mean for that to happen.
But what if you did? What if you did mean for your kids teacher to find you and read about your financial crisis or your leap into faith - what if you meant it, because you didn't want to be just another face, just another adult, just another parent. What if you wanted a potential employee to see it because you simply didn't care if they knew those things. What is that? Is that narcissism? Tripping over social boundaries? Being weird? or is it just shoulder shrugging nonchalant authenticity?
I dunno. do you?
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