Who are you?  No, really, who are you?

I spent so many years (nearly 40) trying to be someone else that it took me a long time to figure out who I really was (yep; nearly 40).  I just read the following phrase in someone's bio and I got a huge electric shock because it was Right. On... 

"I think so many people are ruled by fear and are busy trying to be exactly what they think society expects--no more and no less. They never really become who they were made to be."

That is a pretty insightful remark.

I remember one bright day at the beginning of my "college" career - standing outside the classroom on a break and chatting with another girl.  I remember thinking to myself, "oh my goodness! you sound so cheerful! is this who you are? yes, yes this is actually you - all talkative and chatty and so freakin' happy -  weird!"

And I remember one bright day at the beginning of my life, standing outside my workplace, chattering to a tall dark handsome guy - I said, "I'm not into playing games anymore, I just want to be real. I want a husband as the head of my house and I want to be a wife..."  And I remember later on, much later on, that same tall dark handsome man telling me that it was that exact moment that he fell in love with me: in spite of the fact that I was a divorced single mom with super short hair and a "blond giggle", and how that same tall dark handsome man became my best friend, and my husband, and the father of my children...and the head of our household.

Not so long ago I asked a friend,
"Hey, I know I've asked you this a number of times but I just want to say it again, um, are you really ok? Cuz honestly you seem different and even though you keep saying you are ok I can't help but notice the difference lately..." 

His face broke into the more traditional grin I was accustomed to and he explained that yes, he really was ok... and then explained more.  He said yes, in the past he'd said he was ok but was faking it the whole time (just like most of us)  but right now in this very minute, he really was OK.  He was in a place of balance and peace. 

I was really happy for him but then wondered how many opportunities he'd missed to be ministered to and loved, how many opportunities I'd missed on pushing him more, probing and digging more in order to show the light that God gave me, to share the light that God gave me.  And I wondered if he was telling the truth.

Then, I wondered some more... what if I never became who I was supposed to be?  Would God recognize me?  If He created me, knew me before I was in my mothers womb, knew every hair on my head, but because of free will I was allowed to change my hair, change my shape and face and voice, and because of free will potentially change my birthdate (that would be my mothers free will...) would God ever know who I was? And then, well, if God didn't know who I was, how was I ever going to know?  And man, that thought just blew my mind and I had to stop wondering.

That is one frightening thought - that I could possibly NEVER know who I was supposed to be, that God wouldn't recognize me... and boy, did I decide to embrace authenticity like never before!  Even if I never really became who God intended me to be, I wanted to be a close enough replica that He'd at least nod thoughtfully in my direction and maybe even have that "i think i know that person" smile on His face. 

I don't know who I am supposed to be.  I only know that I AM supposed to be.  God said so, and I believe Him.  So I am trying to be, as much as possible, the me that feels the rightest way... even when that 'me' doesn't feel very happy, content, sure, positive, balanced or peaceful.  I want to be what God wants me to be... and I'll keep trying again and again until He can recognize me when the announcer calls out, "Will The Real You Please Stand Up!"