Getting Into It
I've been struggling with parenting ever since my daughter was born almost 19 years ago. Struggling to find the balance between instruction and leadership, guidance and direction, love and ...well, love. I've only ever done the best I could - and I swear I read every possible parenting book from a 1940's Better Homes Child Rearing Guide to Dobson to some funky do-wrag wearing spiritual expert... uh huh, it's true.
When my next two children were born, some 6 and 8 years later I was less into all the parenting books, having spent some 6 years actually parenting and figuring out a few things. I still occasionally perused the different styles of "never say no and squash your childs natural self esteem" to "spare the rod and spoil the child" and the inbetween stuff too. I watched my peers closely and tried to imitate that which seemed practical and loving, but never forgetting my rightful place as parent, guide, and my responsibility to God to raise His children. But my children all quickly led me into books like, "The Angry Child" and "What You Eat is What You Are" and "Whole Food for Whole Minds" and "The Ritalin Revolution" (most of those are ficticious books I'm just making up based on my poor sleep deprived mommy brain). One child had me reading books on "How The Brain Works" and "The Quirky Child" and "When Your Child Struggles". That's a lot of reading for a mom with three kids!
One particular child of mine and I struggle in our relationship. It may be because we are more alike than we are different, and because when I see my own negative traits I try to remold them into something more attractive, or I overreact to it in utter panic, or anger. Lately our relationship, tho' always a struggle it's been very very positive up til now, went on a downhill spiral. It started toward the end of the last school year but I credited it to a variety of things unrelated to our direct relationship, instead blaming our declining relationship on the other things. Can you already see the denial, stubborn defiance, and disobedience to God that is being formed here?
I was thinking about the passage in Colossians 3:20-21 about parenting.
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
For a long time I was focused on verse 20 - and used it rather self righteously, spouting it out verbally whenever it seemed appropriate. *!=* (this is me whacking myself in the forehead with my fist) But suddenly I began to focus on verse 21. "Fathers? Mothers? Guardians - do not use words and actions to make your children bitter against you and against your God, your values, your morals, For they will turn their backs upon it all as too hard, too discouraging, not worthwhile or beneficial" (all my own words...) And I began to think about the trouble I've been having with my one child. My Problem. The Problem that I have. And how that Problem makes me act, drives my responses, and leaves me guilt ridden, angry, defeated, and full of sorrow. It leaves my child frustrated, angry, hurt, rebellious. And I felt not so much bad, as just determined to fix this damned thing.
My husband had recently remarked, after listening to me cry about this issue, that he thought my child was needing some mom time. I reflected back on my recent job experience and how my kids got left alone, for their first time ever, for hours at a time, and how I would say goodbye in the afternoon and then not actually see them again until the next day. I thought about those missed TV time snuggles, the goofy tickle fests, the quiet and deep moments of chatting at bedtime, and all the things that had slipped away lately.
Today I sent my child to do a chore. One I knew wasn't difficult but a little time consuming and I offered a few suggestions on how to pass the time. Said child was slightly disgruntled by went about the chore obediently. I went down to rotate through a load of laundry and my mind was full of initial irritation at my childs expressed attitude, the anticipation of a job done with very little effort, and the discouragement of trying to decide in advance how far I wanted to push the issue. Suddenly I decided to join my child in the chore. My emails could wait. The dishes could wait. I could blog later, I could sort out files and paperwork later. I could do the chore now. And I did.
At first my childs reaction was, "What? I'm not doing a good enough job? What, you don't trust me?" in an attitude of what was probably truly just discouragement and hurt. When I explained that I just wanted to spend time together and that I thought we could just do it together, the smiling started. And then commenced the chatting... and the sharing and the reconnecting and the power of teamwork and joint effort and some mild and fun competition. We shared music and I was able to ask for lyrics to some songs, we shared laughter about some of the mystery stains on the seats and carpets, and we counted all the loose change and speculated the worth of dismantling the shopvac to see how much coin we could extract from it's innermost being. Then we cleaned up together. Seeing me picking up garbage, and getting down and dirty was enough motivation to encourage beloved child to do the same. We had a lovely time - a bright time - a God given time.
Let me focus more on that stuff, God, than on my own 'stuff'. Let me prioritize my children, the same way that YOU have Lord... let me remain persistent, creative, interested, and tender to the babies you've trusted me with. Let me not VEX my children, but BLESS them instead.
Amen.
When my next two children were born, some 6 and 8 years later I was less into all the parenting books, having spent some 6 years actually parenting and figuring out a few things. I still occasionally perused the different styles of "never say no and squash your childs natural self esteem" to "spare the rod and spoil the child" and the inbetween stuff too. I watched my peers closely and tried to imitate that which seemed practical and loving, but never forgetting my rightful place as parent, guide, and my responsibility to God to raise His children. But my children all quickly led me into books like, "The Angry Child" and "What You Eat is What You Are" and "Whole Food for Whole Minds" and "The Ritalin Revolution" (most of those are ficticious books I'm just making up based on my poor sleep deprived mommy brain). One child had me reading books on "How The Brain Works" and "The Quirky Child" and "When Your Child Struggles". That's a lot of reading for a mom with three kids!
One particular child of mine and I struggle in our relationship. It may be because we are more alike than we are different, and because when I see my own negative traits I try to remold them into something more attractive, or I overreact to it in utter panic, or anger. Lately our relationship, tho' always a struggle it's been very very positive up til now, went on a downhill spiral. It started toward the end of the last school year but I credited it to a variety of things unrelated to our direct relationship, instead blaming our declining relationship on the other things. Can you already see the denial, stubborn defiance, and disobedience to God that is being formed here?
I was thinking about the passage in Colossians 3:20-21 about parenting.
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
For a long time I was focused on verse 20 - and used it rather self righteously, spouting it out verbally whenever it seemed appropriate. *!=* (this is me whacking myself in the forehead with my fist) But suddenly I began to focus on verse 21. "Fathers? Mothers? Guardians - do not use words and actions to make your children bitter against you and against your God, your values, your morals, For they will turn their backs upon it all as too hard, too discouraging, not worthwhile or beneficial" (all my own words...) And I began to think about the trouble I've been having with my one child. My Problem. The Problem that I have. And how that Problem makes me act, drives my responses, and leaves me guilt ridden, angry, defeated, and full of sorrow. It leaves my child frustrated, angry, hurt, rebellious. And I felt not so much bad, as just determined to fix this damned thing.
My husband had recently remarked, after listening to me cry about this issue, that he thought my child was needing some mom time. I reflected back on my recent job experience and how my kids got left alone, for their first time ever, for hours at a time, and how I would say goodbye in the afternoon and then not actually see them again until the next day. I thought about those missed TV time snuggles, the goofy tickle fests, the quiet and deep moments of chatting at bedtime, and all the things that had slipped away lately.
Today I sent my child to do a chore. One I knew wasn't difficult but a little time consuming and I offered a few suggestions on how to pass the time. Said child was slightly disgruntled by went about the chore obediently. I went down to rotate through a load of laundry and my mind was full of initial irritation at my childs expressed attitude, the anticipation of a job done with very little effort, and the discouragement of trying to decide in advance how far I wanted to push the issue. Suddenly I decided to join my child in the chore. My emails could wait. The dishes could wait. I could blog later, I could sort out files and paperwork later. I could do the chore now. And I did.
At first my childs reaction was, "What? I'm not doing a good enough job? What, you don't trust me?" in an attitude of what was probably truly just discouragement and hurt. When I explained that I just wanted to spend time together and that I thought we could just do it together, the smiling started. And then commenced the chatting... and the sharing and the reconnecting and the power of teamwork and joint effort and some mild and fun competition. We shared music and I was able to ask for lyrics to some songs, we shared laughter about some of the mystery stains on the seats and carpets, and we counted all the loose change and speculated the worth of dismantling the shopvac to see how much coin we could extract from it's innermost being. Then we cleaned up together. Seeing me picking up garbage, and getting down and dirty was enough motivation to encourage beloved child to do the same. We had a lovely time - a bright time - a God given time.
Let me focus more on that stuff, God, than on my own 'stuff'. Let me prioritize my children, the same way that YOU have Lord... let me remain persistent, creative, interested, and tender to the babies you've trusted me with. Let me not VEX my children, but BLESS them instead.
Amen.
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